My Dance With Booze
A Love Story
I suppose it might be useful and entertaining to enumerate all the consequences of alcoholic consumption (never to excess, of course, only what was appropriate for the circumstances) but that might get old and boring, as you the Reader can find many discussions of that in what we call "recovery" literature. Suffice it to say that I covered all the bases, circling back (in the current political lexicon) many times to redo certain things that still titillated my fancy. And repeating that same process endlessly, always looking for something that I thought might exist, but which was unavailable to me
However, that particular thought or feeling has been covered in numerous previous writings by others, is somewhat boring even while being occasionally startling, and does not seem to be important at this point. To summarize, I hit all the low spots, too numerous and embarrassing to recount, and all of this territory has been covered by others who are far more eloquent. Yet going over all of that, while therapeutic and terribly embarrassing, does not make the point I want to make. I hit all the highs and all the lows, have the internal (and some external) scars as proof, and so what? Been there, done that.
What has surprised me most recently is that I have entered a place, or space, that I have never encountered, and it is worth describing as I think it is illuminating. In summary, I have reached a place of calm, peace, satisfaction, and seeming ability to move through turbulence in a way I have never known. I seem to myself to be centered, available to every experience that crosses my path, peaceful, open, accepting, and incredibly grateful for my ability to be able to experience this place in which I find myself. It presents itself as the realization that there is nowhere to go, nothing to do, nothing to attain, and all there is simply to be aware of being.
Said in other words, and quoting a very old and wise friend of mine: It is okay, always has been okay, and will always be okay. (Some of you reading this will roll their eyes, dismiss such simplistic drivel and wonder why I don't write something useful or even funny. To you I say: I just did.) All the rest is story and drama. That is the simplest way to describe where I now am in terms of my relationship with my Self and with Others, and I see continuity where I had previously seem disjointed turbulence, peace where I saw discord, and a ground of being that allows me to experience this moment as all of eternity, and they are one and the same. Nothing else exists other than now.
I know this sounds "airy-fairy" as we used to say in a disparaging way, but it sure ain't a bad way to experience living, even if only occasionally realized. I actually prefer it to all the others states that I have experienced (I have covered a lot of territory with a wide range of experiences), and I seem to have found that place within me that I was born to find, experience, acknowledge, and accept), yet which had always eluded me for some reason. For that, I am forever grateful, in that once discovered and experienced, it changes all of existence in a profound and deeply moving and grateful way. It is both challenging and simple.